Don’t Tell Your Kids to Stop Crying: Child Psychiatrists

She is crying badly!

Dr. Willough Jenkins, a board-certified Canadian-American psychiatrist specializing in child psychiatry, is revealing the most common parenting mistake she sees—telling your kids to stop crying.

“Telling children not to cry sends the message that their feelings are not valid. “Crying is a natural way to express emotions, and it’s important for children to feel safe sharing how they feel,” Jenkins explained in an August video.

She recommends telling kids, “It’s okay to feel sad—let’s talk about it.”

Ashley Pagenkopf, a child life specialist at Cook Children’s Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas, explains that crying is “developmentally appropriate” at any age.

Crying is a coping mechanism that releases oxytocin and endorphins, two “feel-good” hormones that promote feelings of calm, Pagenkopf wrote in a 2022 blog post.

Responding compassionately to a child’s tears, she added, can strengthen the bond between parent and child.

“Research has shown that a parent’s response to a child’s tears affects how the child can regulate their emotions,” Pagenkopf wrote. “Over time, if the parent’s response is consistently negative, the child will eventually develop poor emotional regulation.”

Pagenkopf recommends responding to tears with phrases such as, “It’s okay to cry. Let’s take a few more deep breaths”; “I know this is very difficult and overwhelming. I’m sorry you have to do this. I am here with you”; or “This is very difficult, but you can do difficult things.”

The Gottman Institute, a training center for therapists, suggests teaching children how to identify what’s causing their sad feelings.

After a crying episode, experts suggest calmly asking your child what happened before the tears started. Ask them to label their feelings (ie, “disappointed” or “sad”) and to recognize physical signs that indicate they are upset, such as a flushed face.

Then, discuss how to respond to triggering situations. Teach them coping mechanisms such as taking a break from the situation, counting to 10, or diaphragmatic breathing.

Not everyone took Jenkins’ advice with open arms. Some commentators pointed out that the child’s tears may be fake.

“Some people regardless of age use tears as a manipulation tool to get their way,” one TikTok user wrote in Jenkins’ post.

“‘Fake crying’ is communicating a need that’s worth exploring, and saying stop crying isn’t allowing that need to be explored — there are other ways to approach it,” Jenkins replied. “I fear that children are seen as manipulative and not very often looking for connection.”